The Josie Pages

Field Notes In/On Transition... Tears Of The Buddha Redux Aka:  Persona Aux Gratin Starting off with a story of how I got the nickname some few of you may know, use for me; “Buddha Rhubarb.” Those of you with a heavy 90’s bent to your musical tastes may recognize “Buddha Rhubarb Butter” as being the title of the “most 90’s” band of them all Soul Coughing But I was given that nickname at least a year before I had ever heard of Soul Coughing (still one of My favourite bands, I have all Mike Doughty’s solo stuff too) ... The legend goes as follows. There was one of those “Parties at Fish’s,” an East Van 90’s rite of passage, where I was for some reason allowed to play a guitar.  I was sitting cross-legged, in a wasted haze playing a kind of noisy slide on this old acoustic (that was plastered in silver stickers that read “Rhubarb”) to an also cross legged group of young hippy kids to whom I was no doubt blathering on to, whilst mangling music with the Guitar....

Field Notes In/On Transition The Name Game Shakespeare had that star cross’d lover Juliet speak this truth:  “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.”  The name change thing is kind of kicking my ass right now. It’s very daunting to me for some reason. It took me most of my life (first 30 years or so) before I was comfortable with my name... since then I’ve always gone by Joe Boyce Burgess. As a kid I was always Joey, rarely or ever Joseph, or Joe. In fact except maybe only in some sort of bureaucratic lineup has anyone ever really called me Joseph. I can’t recall my Mom or any other authority figure from my youth ever calling me Joseph. Technically though it’s still my name. For now anyway, until I can get up the gumption to fill out the paperwork, and go get all the little things done, like fingerprints taken. All very daunting, as I sometimes still feel like someone or something is going to force me to s...

Field Notes In/On Transition Peace, Love, Furniture & Grok Transition is, on the surface... all about surfaces, presentation, but of course it goes deeper than that... But it is where you start. I feel like almost all aspects of my life are in transition. Of course one could use that old saw... “the only constant in the world is change”. Definitely true. But my experience of transitioning my gender, has me changing many aspects of my life, and taking chances not just in my appearance, but also my relationships with friends, family, my work are also in flux.  The space around me is also in transition. I’ve recently and slowly started to redecorate my small apartment. It’s challenging being an accumulator of Stuff, and keep a tidy living space. Which is what I do, how I live, I have maybe too many books, DVDs, graphic novels, bits of artwork, ephemera and kitschy toys etc  My furniture is either hand me down... my huge clunky ugly but very comfo...

Field Notes In/On Transition To Sir Without Thinking, Ma’am I have spent most of my transition so far being very forgiving on people getting the pronouns wrong etc, calling me Sir, Buddy, etc. This of course still goes on, no matter whether I’m wearing a pretty dress or jeans and a tee shirt, lipstick, big eyelashes. I still get Sirr-ed all day. Usually without the hesitation involved for those trying to get my name right. In those cases you can see the wheels turning as they get it right and feel good about remembering, which in turn makes me feel good that people are consciously making some kind of effort. The Sir thing, though seems to be much more of a subconscious polite form, in that even those who will mostly call me Josie, and even she, instead of he, still say Sir . It has alot to do with working in a store I think. We have certain almost unconscious etiquette that we maintain when making transactions for goods and services. Ma’am and more so Sir are used wit...

Field Notes In/On Transition The “R” Word (and the "B" word?) I have breasts now. If you know me, you might say, well you’ve always had a bit of the old man-boobs as they call it/them these days. Well, yes I did, but this is different. There is heft now. Weight. Breasts. Real breasts, that may not yet, and may never be as sensitive, full of breast tissue and functional as CIS-gendered ladies, or Estrogen fuelled Trans Women’s breasts, but they are not the flabby things they were, just a few months ago. This for me is a really big thing. It makes me feel like things are really happening transition wise. It also helps me feel like maybe I could at some point in the near future be ready for some romance. Not sex, but capital R - Romance.  Ah Romance, corny but there you have it. More and more I’m thinking this is the case. I want the scruffy but Gallant Knight (maybe on a Motorcycle) to rescue me from my mediocrity and take me to all the best parties in 1920s New...

FieldNotes In/On Transition #30  Romancing The Scale (aka Sex, Lies and Overeating) This blog post started out days ago, being about sex, and the uneasiness I have always had around it, being a trans person stuck in the closet of being kinda out, kinda not. What writing and thinking about this issue brought me to what was/is my other big issue: overeating. Sorry for the lack of sex. :p (I'm including very recent pictures, of some new tops I got, to help reinforce that maybe a lot of my body image issues are worse in my mind than they should be. I look pretty good in these, I think) Now that I’m living as much as a woman as I can be (training wheels still on) it’s likely a little more okay to state the obvious: I have an eating disorder: I am an overeater.  Overeating itself is the fat un-talked about brother of the more glamorous Anorexia and Bulimia. I’m sure there is a more medical sounding word like those two which in fact are “not eating” and “vomi...

Field Notes In/On Transition Games People Play So, Gaming...? Has my lack of testosterone made the hack & slash too dull for me, or am I just tired of the hack & slash? Maybe there’s a bit of both things at work there. Recently I’ve been gaming again (tabletop RPGs, haven’t played a video game in weeks, unless you count facebook scrabble). I haven’t been as down with, or interested in the sort of “Tank” game that I often have more often than not played in the past. Just rushing into scenarios without much of a plan other than having a sword, and some quips to hurl.  I want to get a bit more role play and sticking to the ideals of the character and backstory I’ve created for that character. But sometimes it’s difficult, as group think can take over, and things can get bloody and ugly quick in most RPGs.  I’m not really sure that this is a function of hormone levels, living, presenting as female, or if as a gamer, I’m changing, maybe even (Gasp!) maturin...