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Showing posts from 2012

Dark Side of the Moon

Field Notes In/On Transition
The Dark Side Of The Moon
The other day I started and ended my day with anger and disagreements. In the morning I made a point of getting to my pharmacy right when they open (the extremely inconvenient hour of 10:30 am) so I could get my prescriptions first thing and get to work in time to go get change for the weekend from the bank. 
The young pharmacist started to fill my prescriptions, but then some guy came in and wanted to pick up one they’d been able to fill the day before, the kid had a hard time finding it, but eventually did, and then rather than getting back to my half done order, started serving more people who’d come in demanding to get served now. I was pacing the store gruffly, getting more and more annoyed. 
So I did what I usually do in these situations, I yelled over at him: "If you are going to serve all these people who I got here ahead of, I don’t have time to wait. I have a job to get to as well." He offered a half hearted (…

Some thoughts some actions

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Field Notes In/On Transition.
Some thoughts some actions
Freewill Astrology
You may have noticed, reading my transition blog, that I often include a Freewill Astrology. This time is no different. I like the way Brezsny words his horoscopes. Very often there is something for me to mull over, a way for me to apply the big theme of each horoscope to my life. Which, really is what any kind of Oracle is all about; figuring things out on your own by being given archetypal, maybe not so archetypal metaphors to ponder.

As to this one, both his questions can be posed to my life in some pretty obvious ways. My “noblest dreams,” or highest ideals have always been about transitioning, becoming the person I’ve always felt I could be, given ideal circumstances. Of course no circumstances are completely ideal. However I feel that my transition is going much better than I ever could have imagined, I still though, don’t feel that I’m completely living the dream, as it were. There are still some pretty…

The difference a year makes

Field Notes In/On Transition
The Difference A Year Makes.
A year ago I was at one of the lowest ebbs of depression ever. I was saved by getting the call finally from “the clinic” to see a doctor about my “gender dysphoria.” I had spent the majority of the autumn of 2011 being grumpy, angry... lashing out, mostly at co-workers, customers in my haze of self loathing, gender dysphoria, and all the related, but very unfocused anger I had writhing around my brain.
I had been trying to get an appointment for three years through my own phone calls, and my GP once in a while putting my name in to get such an appointment. When you are so far gone, depression wise, as I was it’s a self fulfilling prophecy that I couldn’t even get an appointment to talk seriously about the thing that was keeping me on the edge of giving up on life completely. I never ever thought, though, even after getting the appointment, that I would have the gumption to transition, but as it turned out I had nothing but that …

What’s In A Name?

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Field Notes In/On Transition
What’s In A Name? 




On Wednesday, November 28th I got up at my normal time as if I was going to work, did my normal internet fiddle faddle; got my face on and gussied up, but instead of going to work I went downtown to  do my legal change of name, before later in the day heading to VGH to find out from an Endocrinologist whether I can start taking estrogen. My regular “trans” doctor wanted to get a specialist’s opinion.
 First I had to find the Vital Stats office, and of course walked a few blocks the wrong direction, as per my usual following of directions... I was standing on the corner of Robson and Howe realizing that the office I was looking for was south of Granville, not north when I heard someone calling “Josie!” “Josie!” I wondered who downtown would know my name when a familiar face from the video store tugged on my jacket. A nice gal named Cindy who has a food truck called “Mom’s Grilled Cheese” (http://momsgrilledcheesetruck.com/) was offering me …

Bits and bites of life

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Field Notes In/On Transition
Bits and Bites of Life
So I’m at work the other day and this little girl is eyeing me suspiciously, While grabbing onto her mom’s leg in that way kids do... Mom says can you give the dvd to the lady (check!) .... The girl says, “But that’s a man.” Mom (Bless her heart, replied, “No dear, she’s a woman.”) the girl scrunches her nose and asks me outright, “You look like a lady but sound like a man!??”. I respond with, “I know it’s weird, right?” She grinned just a little and was satisfied, but seemed to have more questions for mom on the way out. A teaching moment?
This event, of course has me thinking though about how  my vocal presentation hasn’t yet changed enough to get properly gendered. I haven’t really made any effort on that so far, it’s so daunting. It’s one of those things like electrolysis etc that I keep putting off. Mind you, I’ve just made my initial contacts with a local laser/electrolysis place that sort of specializes in Trans hair removal. …

Vague Political Regurgitation part 1,000,004

Field Notes In/On Transition
Vague Political Regurgitation part 1,000,004
Again, I’m having a hard time focussing on a single issue or event in my life to write about on my blog. My discipline seems to have fallen by the wayside, the more comfortable and less stressed I become about/during my transition. 
Things still bug me, like being called “Sir,” or buddy, or “boss” Really? Boss? Just off the chain gang? Fricking hipsters! Otherwise I feel pretty good about how things are progressing. There is a new Trans drop-in at the health clinic  where I go to my GP happening a couple of times a month. At one of them this month there will be a free yoga class. I plan to inch my way to better health by starting yoga in this pro Trans environment. The big yoga studios, yoga moms, and fanatical yoga going... etc scare me to death (irrationally, sure, but most fears are irrational) so I’ve never given it a shot ’til now. Heck I am still pretty careful about not using public restrooms at all, let a…

The Slow Season

Field Notes In/On Transition
The Slow Season
The further I get into comfort with my transition, the less I feel compelled to write my blog about Transition. It’s true, the last few entries have been less often, and a bit more of a struggle to write. It’s not like I have nothing to talk about, less fears, doubts, joys, accomplishments, or anything.
I have some recent “firsts” even. The other night I had dinner and drinks (too many drinks, Oy!) with an acquaintance from “the community”. It’s very cool to find so much commonality with a Trans Man, someone going the opposite direction from me. 
The “First” though, was using the Ladies room in the restaurant we were in. Which I did kind of unconsciously, as I wandered out of the Ladies, I realized I had been in the Ladies. I’ve consciously avoided restroom confusion when out in public places as I am wary of any kind of confrontation. But there wasn’t any, and in fact I’m sure that in that particular restaurant, no one gives a fig which id…

Thinking/Dreaming/Living

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Field Notes In/On Transition
Thinking/Dreaming/Living
Talking with Mom... outward early signs that I wanted to be a girl? Not so much... 
In truth, I only recall (clearly at least) moments of my childhood, here and there. It’s all a blur, really unless someone sits down with me, and actively jogs my memory with their better recall. I’m pretty sure I was never ever one of those kids who seemed like they were gender confused. For me, living in my imagination, though was just as real as daily life. Until I was in my late teens I maintained the fantasy, that one day I’d just “wake up a girl.” Magically whisked to some parallel Earth where I had always been a girl, or some variation of that dream. I did read a lot of comic books, and SF/Fantasy growing up, so it never seemed impossible to my very naive mind.
But, when I was much younger, I’m not even sure I could articulate what it was I wanted or how I defined my gender dysphoria when I was pre-pubescent... “it” (the teenager name for “gen…

Date Night

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Field Notes In/On Transition
Date Night 
So, the other day, I was feeling particularly pretty, as I am starting to feel a bit more comfortable with doing my makeup. I have got some tips from lady friends, and watched a bunch of videos, as I mentioned in my last post. But there is no teacher like experience... doing the makeup and watching a video are very different. 

On Tuesday, I did myself up I think very nicely, subtle, natural looking, and felt really sexy in my skirt and striped hose. I’ve also found some low heels that are comfortable and cute enough to wear all day at work. Late in my shift an older gentleman (around retirement age, I’m guessing) who I hadn’t seen since well before I started my transition. He was looking at some movies in our staff picks, then came up and rented a documentary on The Beats, and complimented me on my new look, asked me if I would like to go out for dinner, then if I was single, I said yes, to both, without really much thought. 
Getting a compliment…

The Real New Year’s....

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Field Notes In/On Transition
The Real New Year’s....
For me (and a lot of my friends seem to grok this) The real New Year is in the autumn, when the weather changes and school starts to get serious, ball sports are in playoffs, hockey is starting. (how times change) You start wearing heavy jackets, boots all the time. You start rueing the shorter days, and enjoying all the feast-full holidays that keep us going through the long winter. Winter is coming, and while here in Vancouver it wont’t be all that snowy and cold, it will be just as annoying as all y’all’s winter. That's what winter is all about. 
That’s a whole other blog post, what I’m getting at  is that it’s a more thoughtful time and a time when you actively pursue “change” a bit more aggressively. To continue the obvious new school year comparison, you have new classes, new teachers, new friends, enemies, crushes, and so on. It’s my experience that the more schooling a person has lived/worked through. It’s also the new TV…

Tears Of The Buddha Redux, Aka: Persona Aux Gratin

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Field Notes In/On Transition...
Tears Of The Buddha Redux
Aka:  Persona Aux Gratin
Starting off with a story of how I got the nickname some few of you may know, use for me; “Buddha Rhubarb.” Those of you with a heavy 90’s bent to your musical tastes may recognize “Buddha Rhubarb Butter” as being the title of the “most 90’s” band of them all Soul Coughing But I was given that nickname at least a year before I had ever heard of Soul Coughing (still one of My favourite bands, I have all Mike Doughty’s solo stuff too) ... The legend goes as follows. There was one of those “Parties at Fish’s,” an East Van 90’s rite of passage, where I was for some reason allowed to play a guitar. 

I was sitting cross-legged, in a wasted haze playing a kind of noisy slide on this old acoustic (that was plastered in silver stickers that read “Rhubarb”) to an also cross legged group of young hippy kids to whom I was no doubt blathering on to, whilst mangling music with the Guitar. They were actually all pretty e…