The Josie Pages

Field Notes In/On Transition The “R” Word (and the "B" word?) I have breasts now. If you know me, you might say, well you’ve always had a bit of the old man-boobs as they call it/them these days. Well, yes I did, but this is different. There is heft now. Weight. Breasts. Real breasts, that may not yet, and may never be as sensitive, full of breast tissue and functional as CIS-gendered ladies, or Estrogen fuelled Trans Women’s breasts, but they are not the flabby things they were, just a few months ago. This for me is a really big thing. It makes me feel like things are really happening transition wise. It also helps me feel like maybe I could at some point in the near future be ready for some romance. Not sex, but capital R - Romance.  Ah Romance, corny but there you have it. More and more I’m thinking this is the case. I want the scruffy but Gallant Knight (maybe on a Motorcycle) to rescue me from my mediocrity and take me to all the best parties in 1920s New...

FieldNotes In/On Transition #30  Romancing The Scale (aka Sex, Lies and Overeating) This blog post started out days ago, being about sex, and the uneasiness I have always had around it, being a trans person stuck in the closet of being kinda out, kinda not. What writing and thinking about this issue brought me to what was/is my other big issue: overeating. Sorry for the lack of sex. :p (I'm including very recent pictures, of some new tops I got, to help reinforce that maybe a lot of my body image issues are worse in my mind than they should be. I look pretty good in these, I think) Now that I’m living as much as a woman as I can be (training wheels still on) it’s likely a little more okay to state the obvious: I have an eating disorder: I am an overeater.  Overeating itself is the fat un-talked about brother of the more glamorous Anorexia and Bulimia. I’m sure there is a more medical sounding word like those two which in fact are “not eating” and “vomi...

Field Notes In/On Transition Games People Play So, Gaming...? Has my lack of testosterone made the hack & slash too dull for me, or am I just tired of the hack & slash? Maybe there’s a bit of both things at work there. Recently I’ve been gaming again (tabletop RPGs, haven’t played a video game in weeks, unless you count facebook scrabble). I haven’t been as down with, or interested in the sort of “Tank” game that I often have more often than not played in the past. Just rushing into scenarios without much of a plan other than having a sword, and some quips to hurl.  I want to get a bit more role play and sticking to the ideals of the character and backstory I’ve created for that character. But sometimes it’s difficult, as group think can take over, and things can get bloody and ugly quick in most RPGs.  I’m not really sure that this is a function of hormone levels, living, presenting as female, or if as a gamer, I’m changing, maybe even (Gasp!) maturin...

Field Notes In/On Transition Let Go Or Be Dragged The title of this particular blog entry is a zen proverb that has been making the rounds of Facebook, and other social media, I imagine, and it doesn’t just relate to all those people weirdly afraid of Timeline, that monster that is somehow going to ruin your facebook experience. It’s not, it didn’t. It’s just a fancy ass “wall”. Let go or be dragged , says the Buddha, This also is a great little quote to recall in real life as well. I’ve just recently had my first (that I’ve been aware of) bucket of Transphobia (just had to add transphobia to my dictionary, sigh.) and irrational hatred tossed on me. It was on the internet so it’s not like it’s “real”, but.... My store got a bizarrely hateful and completely Yelp review recently where I was called out as a “transvestite” working there, who supposedly... swears in front of customers, children, and so on.  Apparently the person didn’t care about me “cross dressing...

Field Notes In/On Transition Our Lady Of Accessories (Excessories?) Sometimes these blog entries flow out of my fingertips like the proverbial wine, (pun intended) from water, other times it’s a bit more sloggy, than bloggy, to figure out what it is I want to write about. After my last entry, which had the highest word count I’ve had yet, by far, I was a bit emptied out. Refreshed, and feeling stronger because of that purge of the things that I fuss and worry over so much. I’m still fussing and worrying some, but I also feel more at home in myself every day. This last week the only time I wore pants, anywhere, was one day that I wore leggings in the morning, shorts in the afternoon as it got too hot for those awesome shiny black leggings. Dresses and skirts all week at work or play. I have been getting more and more positive feedback on how I’m putting together my outfits, every day. It’s weird having body image/presentation pride. Not something I’m used to at all, feeli...

Field Notes In/On Transition.  Frustrations, Flummoxes, and Fandangoes. There are a lot of ups and downs anytime you undertake a big life change. Heck, there are likely just as many ups and downs even if you have not made such a big upheaval in your life as a trans person does. Just keeping your nose to the grindstone, and fitting in, doing what’s expected of you by mainstream society.... Shit happens. Family, friends die, you get sick, people hate you for no reason, you hate others for no reason, or a good reason, whatever. We deal or we don’t. But there’s room for variation in how well we deal or don’t deal, maybe. Maybe there’s wiggle room to sometimes suck at “dealing?” So this post is kind of a laundry list of my fears, and things that are really difficult for me so far in my transition... I am very sunny and happy most of the time. But lately I’ve been reaching back to the “Frowny Joe” of last autumn a bit too much, dwelling on things that I can and will get pa...

Field Notes In/On Transition. Hair colour, Pride, and comfortable shoes. August, thus far has been a bit hotter and stickier here in the “Groovy ‘Couv,” than the previous couple of months... my brain is a tub of molasses, it seems. Hopefully it will cool down so I can get back to posting as regularly as I have been all summer. It’s “Pride Week” or for me really, the weekend at least, I went to the parade yesterday (Sunday, August 5th), after missing it last year due to extreme laziness. But this year I am feeling a bit more proud of myself, and I had a pal to hang out with and see the parade. I often end up going to things like this alone, and feeling less included than I ought to. More on that in a bit, first let me rewind to Saturday and talk about taking another one of those things that for me, is a big step on my journey: having a real “hair appointment.” (there’s a Bugs Bunny reference there somewhere)  I went down to one of those salons (The former “Joji...