The Josie Pages

Field Notes In/On Transition Whenever I’m in large groups, I often experience a certain  kind of “socialization anxiety”… When you get a group of 2 or more pairs of men and women; the structure of “hanging out” (at a party, or a group outing) very often (of course not always, which is far easier to deal with) gets split into men/women cliques. As a genetic/normally socialized male, I almost always, in these situations, stay with, or go with the men.  I almost always actually would prefer to stay/go with the women. This may be a silly thing to even be thinking about in this day and age, but it’s something that’s always been one of those things that aligns my compass towards being female. Over the years I’ve almost always wanted to keep hanging with the women, when these divides occur. Women in the kitchen, men on the porch, whatever cliched example you prefer, I’ve always felt I was standing  amongst the wrong people. Even those rare times that I’ve been able ...

Field Notes In/On Transition Time & Tide I woke from a “swimming dream”… swimming in the middle of a big river, that moved not slowly or rapidly, but surely… I was swimming down the middle (which in real life you will never see I swim like rocks swim.) of this brownish body of water. Some kids were calling my name (Josie) from the shore, I turned to call back to them (interestingly in the dream I was not very femme, but rather heavy like I was maybe in the mid nineties) as I woke, voices echoing in my ears. First time in memory where my dreams have called me “Josie”. I kind of live for small moments, and that was a good one. Later that morning, I went to my Doctor (one of two tiny South Asian women who take care of my health) for an early morning appointment to see how my first month of Anti-Androgen has gone, blood-work results basically, and checking in with effects happening with my testosterone being lowered. Everything was very positive.  My Testoste...

Field Notes In/On Transition After such a great day, on Saturday, I woke on Sunday feeling like I needed to catch my mom up on things and had a good chat with her, keeping her in the loop on my progress and how I’m feeling about it, as well as all the family gossip. One of those things I appreciate about pretty well everyone in my family is the ability to converse, my mom, my cousins, my brother, most everyone likes to hang out and yak it up. We love to talk. Even if I haven’t talked to one of them in ages, we usually pick up like it was yesterday. A bit later in the day, after I’d finished my “Josie Pages”, I was reminiscing with myself while watching a little television, about living back in NB as a kid, and being so careful about not letting anyone know about Josie (who was a very nebulous un named idea at that point) and how I spent most of my time escaping in comic books, and fantasy novels, Playing D&D, etc; all of which are pastimes I still enjoy, though at a much...

Field Notes In/On Transition Sister/Hood Yesterday, realizing that I really had only one pair of ladies’ jeans to wear sometimes. I decided to try to find at least one more pair…  I integrated a couple of pairs over the last few month, but only one pair fit well, and seemed to “work” for me. I’ve also been slipping some women’s sweaters into my wardrobe of too big sweaters that cover my flab.  These items, my oft coloured nails, earrings have met with nothing but positive feedback, for the best part, awkward pauses occasionally, but I feel like what I’m doing by subtly “femme”-ing (but not necessarily in some cliched femininity, comfortable ladies shoes, comfortable ladies jeans, sweaters,) is learning in the manner that I’ve learned everything that I know, slowly, slowly absorbing all the information around me, forming ideas about whatever and discussing those ideas with people who also have an interest in the ideas. So I hit the local Value Village, ov...

Field Notes In/On Transition 20/04/12 Yesterday I mentioned to my neighbour, about how now, at not quite a month into HRT (Anti Androgen lowering testosterone slowly over several month to lady levels.) “My emotions are seeming to come from a different place”. This is at least…  how I have processed my recent emotional life, at any rate.  If you know me, you know that I can have a short fuse at times. It often erupts more with pissiness winning out over pithiness. It’s happened a few times recently, and the best way to explain it is of course, with fuzzy metaphors: With my former (I see as) elevated testosterone levels, my pissiness had a rougher rusty serrated edge yet foggy to it. My lowered testosterone rages seem cleaner, razor edged, sharp like a samurai sword across a sunset. I still have a hair trigger, it’s just easier for me to get over it.  Weird? yes, but well, I am more of a poet, than I am any other kind of writer, and imagery is my bread, pea...