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Nostalgia, etc

Field Notes In/On Transition

After such a great day, on Saturday, I woke on Sunday feeling like I needed to catch my mom up on things and had a good chat with her, keeping her in the loop on my progress and how I’m feeling about it, as well as all the family gossip. One of those things I appreciate about pretty well everyone in my family is the ability to converse, my mom, my cousins, my brother, most everyone likes to hang out and yak it up. We love to talk. Even if I haven’t talked to one of them in ages, we usually pick up like it was yesterday.

A bit later in the day, after I’d finished my “Josie Pages”, I was reminiscing with myself while watching a little television, about living back in NB as a kid, and being so careful about not letting anyone know about Josie (who was a very nebulous un named idea at that point) and how I spent most of my time escaping in comic books, and fantasy novels, Playing D&D, etc; all of which are pastimes I still enjoy, though at a much more subdued pace.

The phone rang, I answered, expecting some sales pitch or poll that I would politely turn down and hang up on, but it was instead, a voice from my youth, my best friend from Jr. High in Oromocto…. 

He had heard from a mutual friend of my transition. he called and offered a very supportive take on things. Which given that I had only know him when we were teens, really, I had no sure idea how he would feel about it. It was really great to have someone from so far in my past, from that time when all I understood about how I felt, was that to most everyone, it was shameful, horrible, and that it was something that would only ever happen magically if at all. 

I really did think, likely at a far older age than you might imagine, that someday, I would just magically transform into a girl, and people wouldn’t even notice. If only!

The real thing is a long difficult and scary process, and as I told my friend over the phone, I have no idea where I will end up, following this path. Not everyone goes to the nth degree to fulfil some gender stereotype. What gives me the most pause on this journey are the actual costs. In most parts of Canada, there is a degree of coverage, but of course in such a “controversial” area of medicine as this, not everything is covered. 

I have to deal with the reality as it comes. The one thing that will be expensive for me, is the electrolysis and/or laser hair removal. Which is why I haven’t started; but It’s on the list, as it were. It’s been difficult for me to not get ahead of myself and become a bit obsessive about transitioning. But I promised myself, when I started, I would try to have some perspective and understand that it’s okay to be a bit overwhelmed at the enormity of it all, this transition.

Which is why I should have, likely, gone to the Monday trans drop-in that i occasionally go to. But the last few times I went I really felt if not uncomfortable, just a bit bored. The people in the group are all very nice and all, but I think what I’m looking for at the moment from a support group is more on the practical end of transitioning, more so, the dealing with all the other stuff around it, that the monday group excels at. I have a good support group of friends that i can talk to already, I need a more trans experienced info dump experience, I guess. Also I’m lazy and want to have a local group I could walk to and from.

Maybe I’ll start a thing.

Oh I wanted to add some other media to this blog. here are a couple of the original “Josie Pages” from back in my very much closeted, but soon to be out (to some) days of my early 20’s (Late 80’s Winnipeg is the scene) These are doodles from a sketchbook I kept at the time that was filled with such doodles, as well as my secret desires, and a lot of poetry and crazy insane dreams that I remembered in vivid detail. I wish I still had that kind of dream recall sometimes. Some of the dreams are still very fresh in my mind today, but rarely these days do any stick like back then.


  1. I find your Josie pages very interesting. Both because of what they represent, but also because at the same time, I was drawing pictures of a different me as well, back in New Brunswick.

    1. At the time, that was the easiest outlet i had, growing up, I was always doodling, now I hardly ever draw.

    2. I doodle all the time, although i do a lot more writing now.


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