Field Notes In/On Transition
Plateaus & Peaks with Occasional Valleys
Thursday... I almost wore my leopard print dress to work today, but, I’m just not quite there yet. I actually felt like, looking in the mirror that; it (the dress) finally fits me in a way that gives me some shape, or that I have some shape now to fit it properly. Instead I chose a fitted tee I got recently that everyone loves, but with the femme-ier touch of some underwire support, that boosts me a whole cup size.
The time is coming soon I think when I’ll be able to wear things like that dress, or any of the other girlier things that I have without feeling soooo self conscious., to work or out and about town. I have ventured out to grocery stores, value villages, the movies, things like that; be-skirted, or in a dress. Big sunglasses and a girly hat are of great value here.
I love that I’m just a wee bit shy of having them fit taut on my hips and butt. I can feel where my body is going, wearing those jeans. Revelatory, as much as trying on that dress this morning, in that I can sense as well as see the physical change that I have already got to, now at a mere 5 months into HRT.
The other side effect of my transition has been a slowly building increase in my creative endeavours in a less Binge-y sense. I’m writing, editing, shooting pictures, or video, even starting to doodle again a bit every day... As with mostly everything in my life; I’ve always worked as a “feast or famine” kind of artist... Either it’s all I’m doing, writing, creating whatever, or I’m avoiding it (and the gender issue always in the background also bingeing, purging) by bingeing on food, media, or getting wasted, or much more likely, a combination of all three with a ridiculous infatuation thrown into the mix.
I feel really positive about the amount of creative energy I have been able to sustain for the last few months, while at the same time, being able to commit fully, and carefully to my transition. A fear I had had, was that the transition would subsume all my creative output for a while. In fact, just the opposite seems to be true. There are not enough hours in the day, for me to get to all the things I’m trying to create, lately.
My strategy came to me when I was thinking about gaming, so much last week. Hmmm. I started some “sister-blogs” to showcase some of my other endeavours, and have them linked to your right... I have a nerd-tastic RPG/FIC blog, wherein I share my role playing game writings, game logs and so on.
I also have of course my youtube page, and my old blog that used to be a catchall blog, that I updated sporadically, that I have now streamlined to be a place where I shelve my opinions on movies, books, and other media. There’s also my “fragments” blog where I put my more “literary” efforts, which in fact are mostly genre pieces so far. My bookstore on Blurb.com is linked there, so people can buy my first two self-published books, and have them sent to their homes.
There are more books in the pipeline, but I need a bit more cash-flow somehow in order to get that all up and running. Self publishing, e-books, blogging, this is how I get my voice out there. Sending off manuscripts in this day and age seems like a waste of enormous amounts of time. Unless a publisher solicits you themselves, I see no point in gong the traditional route.
Can I keep up all these other blogs and projects while transitioning and keeping this blog fresh and interesting for myself and others? I think so. I plan to at least. And for once when I say that, I don’t feel the hollow echo of self doubt in the back of my throat/brain, that has always been there when I make such proclamations. I’ve also never had this much positive energy in my life, (power of positive thinking, perhaps) and I don’t mean just from my own perspective. This is something I repeat every blog post I think. I am so grateful for the awesome amount of support and positive feedback from friends, and strangers, for that matter, since starting my transition.
Something that most of my life I thought was impossible, now seems almost mundane, and my fears of everyone in the world hating me, and mocking me and whatever other terrors I had, seem at least living here in the most progressive neighbourhood in the world, that isn’t in Portland.
I’ve also been postponing, or stalling, more like, getting a start on my electrolysis, laser, whatever combo of those “burning the hair out of your face” procedures that I’m going to need. This is something that is staring me hard in the face every morning. I want to be able to do more than my eyeliner, but not much.
I’d like to maybe have some lipstick/gloss happening, maybe even a light foundation, blush, etc. But at least trying it out on my own, I always have to slather on so much to cover the beard, it looks and feels wrong to me. I like the idea of simple easy makeup that makes you feel like a lady, and not someone in movie makeup, or something.
Much of my hesitation on the laser/electrolysis front is the money. It’s not cheap to do. However as my closet fills up with clothes that are starting to become outfits, I’m becoming more secure in how I look, and wanting to move forward with not just getting used to wearing (and kind of needing to!) a bra (most) every day. As I start to rein in my clothing spending, I should be able to start getting some of the beard removal done. I just can’t handle seeing the five o’clock shadow (that arrives around 10am for me) surrounding my glossed/coloured lips.
Patience Josie, patience.
I’ve also begun to de-clutter my apartment again. It’s pretty tidy most of the time, but such a small place for someone like me, who like to have a lot of books, media around, as well as lots of little kitschy things like my Stonehenge snow-globe, or D&D figures, art, lots of pictures on the walls. It may be my advancing age, but my tastes are changing here as well. There are some design touches I’d like to explore that I’d always veered away from in fear that people would think I was a girl. Turns out those imaginary people were right. I’m not talking all frilly and youngish, either, tasteful, perhaps fashionable, and age appropriate.
When I lived at 909 Windermere, I had my room painted to look like a room in a house in South/Latin America with a lot of turquoise, yellows, oranges... At parties I more than once had the guests ask... “Who’s the chick who lives in this room” ? The “no door” walk in closet did have a mix of ladies and mens clothing, often, it’s true. I’d like to get that vibe again. Not with a paint job (I’m pretty sure my land lady wouldn’t be up for that, also basement suites need lighter tones) as much as some new furniture, a nicer bed, linens, etc., again.... Money is my foe.
There is an all genders gathering in “The Park” on the Drive (Grandview Park) on Monday, July the 30th, in the evening (weather holding, which it looks like it will) and I plan to go, as I have really been avoiding my peers lately in/on transition. Other than the odd random chat with someone I bump into. No support groups, no Trans gal pals, or Trans men friends made really, other than online, or maybe at work.
I haven’t felt the need to keep participating in the community support groups, all of which start at times that are annoyingly inconvenient for someone like me, who cannot abide arriving late for any sort of engagement. I’m not just talking about a few minutes late, but I’d usually be arriving as these groups are ending. There’s usually an after group hangout happening, at a restaurant but I can’t afford to do that every week. I should just go occasionally, in order to make it affordable, but for whatever reasons, I don’t.
I’m not really yet in touch with "why". It could be the intimidation I sometimes feel from other trans folk, who (at least in my mind) are “passing” so much better than me. It could just be my inherent contrariness, and need to do everything I do... "myself". Working on that.
Patience Josie. Patience.