Field Notes In/On Transition
This was my horoscope (the only one I pay any attention to at least):
I’m not really sure why, but it made me cry. I wish so much for some sort of benign guidance that I can trust. I have never felt I had that, ever. But the whole thing is always you have to do it all yourself. Others can do very little to help you if you won’t let them. I really have a hard time accepting help, advice when it’s offered as such. If however I have a conversation with someone, on an equal, respectful footing, I always feel like I learned something, no matter how trivial the confab.
I think my Flux Capacitor is fully charged. I have no idea what this really means other than it’s a “Back to the Future” reference. I have been reading a lot of SF with time travel elements, lately.
But I think what I’m really saying is that I feel charged up, full even, but am at a loss for where in the heck I’m going. Roadmaps are useless to me really. Literally and metaphorically, I make plans, revise plans, make lists, but whenever I try to follow these lists, plans, I end up improvising anyway. Running my D&D game yesterday was like that, and usually is. i rarely consult the rules. I got this great web app that is basically the best ever character info sheet for the game, I made all these characters.
I Barely looked at them. Even though I have the big picture of the game in mind the whole time, I can’t help but to make a lot of stuff up as I go, changing things on the fly from my fairly detailed plans. Which is something I enjoy about playing this kind of game, everyone contributes to the narrative, and of course players do things you don’t expect, so I improvise. I tend to think a lot of the best moments in any RPG game I play come when things get bent from the original plan. It’s sometimes hard to keep all that improvising straight when we get to the next game a month later usually.
Also, I had (finally) a counselling appointment at the local Trans clinic in my neighbourhood. There was also an informal hanging out there, which I liked, meeting other Trans/GQ folk who were waiting for a meeting, acupuncture, or just there for the informal chat and really awesome curried hummus dip. I want to try to make an effort to go more often to some one-on-one counselling, and the odd bit of hanging with my peers. I had a few nice chats in hardly any time.
Before either of those things yesterday, though I was interviewed by an acquaintance for her website. I’m not a hundred percent sure about the context of the site, but it sounds like she is interviewing lots of interesting people and telling their stories. Maybe some of my video poems, pictures will be linked in the article. So some nice cross posting synergy, maybe get some new readers to my site here.
So yeah I had a busy day yesterday. I’m a bit wiped out today, even though I slept well. I almost feel like I had a long weekend, as I did so much social time, and even managed to squeeze in a Saturday evening of playing my video game, alone in my room. What I didn’t get done, was much writing. I’ve been trying over and over for several days to get a blog post going.
I wanted to write about the “interesting how I live my life” factoid: that, this summer for the first time ever, I am keeping my window blinds open most of the time. In the 6 or so years I’ve lived here in my cozy ground floor basement suite, I’ve almost always had my blinds all shut, all the time. Despite being off the street, no back alley, at my place. Loads of privacy. I’ve always just kept them closed so no one could see inside. “Don’t Look At me”! Sheesh. is kind of how I see that affectation now. I guess I’m finally ready to be seen. Or maybe I just don’t feel so paranoid as I used to?
My new poetry book that I self published through blurb.ca have finally arrived. (I ordered 20 for a first round of selling to friends, acquaintances.) I took the cheaper shipping which turned out to be Canada Post. The books were a day late, but since my door is pretty private, they left the package. I didn’t have to go to the post office to lug the giant 20 book parcel. At 272 pages, that’s a lot of book, especially for a poetry book.
I see this bigger poetry publication as Joe’s final statement, his poetic memoir. Maybe even more so because the best of my poetry has already been published in my previous two books. These are all poems I want to see published, but many I’ve been working on for decades, and while they may seem some of these, unfinished, so am I, unfinished, that is.
I haven’t got around to the whole isbn thing, and looking into stores carrying me, or review copies sent out.... It’s all so overwhelming, I’m just selling them myself and not worrying about the greater world. Anyone can order one from my online bookstore:
There is also a .pdf version, which looks great on my ipad, and is half the price: $9.99
I’m calling “The Wickedness of Flowers” my last poetry book, though it might not be that. The future is hard to predict. But for now poetry is a bit in the past. I’m working on my blog, or reading, researching and working on my story/novel/game ideas.
And, well, it’s my last book mostly filled with the poems I wrote as Joe yearning to be Josie. Any future books will be mostly Josie looking back, present, forward. Poetry, or not; which really is the thing I want to do, it seems. I have all these story/plot ideas constantly and a big novel (aka trilogy or more) idea that won’t go away, and keeps intruding on everything else I try to write.
I am also going planning to collect and to see how these posts might look in book form. A record in hard copy, in some ways may be an easier read than looking at 60 odd posts (maybe just the first year?) I’m still mulling that. maybe somehow add something new into the mix, I feel somewhat like all the reading I’ve been doing, so much so that it has almost completely supplanted tv/movie watching as free time killers in my life. I read, I write, I post on facebook, etc...
Oh and I will be performing my poetry hopefully from all three books, if I have time...
on Saturday, August 3rd in the Vivo arts centre (former VideoIn) 1965 Main st: TransDance, put on by Vancouver Pride Society, Community Dinner, and Dance. The event will be DJed by Vanessa Tara.
I am a wee bit nervous reading for the very first time as Josie, as myself. I think I have mentioned before, one of the things I think I was good at as Joe, was my reading, but my voice (at least the way I vocalize) is/has been changing. I am starting to rehearse now and will be in the best shape I can be hopefully finding Josie’s reading voice along the way.
It is something, though that if I want to continue as a writer, I feel I need to do, if as much to be inspired and feel the camaraderie of other writers, artists. Hopefully I will still have some of my books to sell, or will have sold all my current batch and have a new batch for the reading.
The actual launch of my book, I kind of want to have at my favourite restaurant hang, The Storm Crow. I’m having a tough time nailing down the date with them, so watch here or my fb for updates. Oh also I have a new “author page” on facebook, public, unlike my personal FB. “Like” it for me, and I get more perks!