Fiel Notes In/On Transition
Feedback and other Fuzz
Feedback is something we all want a little bit of at least. Of course we mostly want, need positive feedback, but I think most people also enjoy constructive feedback on whatever it is they are talking, writing, blogging, painting, whatever-ing about. Negative feedback can be very important as well, but only if it’s constructive. Why bothering critiquing something or someone if all you have is ‘blankety blank’ sucks, or should die? That is not criticism of any kind, or discussion, it is the meanest thing you can do really. Offer another way of looking at the thing bothering you, or at least in your comment, discussion express why you are displeased.
I say this to again bring up the point that while I allow ‘anonymous’ comments, I moderate them as I don’t get a lot of comments, and a few here and there are hateful almost robot-like in their generic hatefulness. Anything that is not a genuine discussion, negative or positive will not see the light of day, marked as spam, and deleted.
I like debate, but I’m a piss poor arguer in person, because I crumble in the presence of confidence. People are often so confident that they are right, that I just grimace and let them think they’ve ‘won’ something. I have no idea what that something would be. I want all my conversations to be genuine. And these days everyone is an ‘expert,’ it seems.
I received a hateful, weirdly personal, but incorrectly so fake ‘I am someone you know’ kind of line which is a real pattern in all the hate mail I get.
I’m not going to let the troll get in print, except to say that they were urging me to commit suicide, and that they ended the comment with a ;) and an LOL...
Like ha-ha just a joke, or? Sheesh. What possible giggles can you get by urging an obviously depressed and vulnerable person to commit suicide? I have no idea. Things like this baffle me.
But thinking about crap like this has been key to my self work recently. If you saw me in person this weekend you would have seen someone pretty much in tears the whole time. I had a really crappy week on a lot of levels, and you know what I did have some pretty dark thoughts, but I also tried really hard not to let those dark thoughts interfere with my days off. I was partially successful, as I got at least some of my daily writing done, but definitely not as much as I’d hoped to during the week. I cried a lot. Possibly the most I have ever cried in a 3 day period. I walked the streets of my neighbourhood like a zombie, I didn’t sleep very well, I lashed out at people who didn’t deserve it. Which of course made the depression, zombie walking worse.
The good thing was the walking, in fact. That kind of clear your head walking, thinking about things, but as well taking in the surroundings. Sunday was a really nice Sunny day during the afternoon while I was out, and got to have a little vent with a co-worker. I had a really nice beer, and comfort food for dinner. I worked proactively to face a couple of the things that caused my funk in the first place, I did some writing, a little drinking, and a lot of letting myself suffer and cry.
This journey definitely does have me a bit exhausted. And it’s fairly traumatic to realize as you try to forge ahead without looking back too much, that actually you do have to look back, and maybe grab onto the good things from a regret filled past. I made a new friend last week, someone I met through work. We went out for drinks and had a great conversation. One of the things she asked me about was ‘feedback’ in regard to my Transition. How much am I getting, what kind of feedback?
This threw me at first, as I tend to go through my days sort of whinging that I don’t really get any feedback, or being afraid of getting bad feedback or hostility. I have great difficulty most days thinking anyone respects me at all.
In fact I do get feedback regularly, I’d say, maybe not every day, or anything. But often enough that it works to help me immensely when I have my worst bouts of fear, doubt, about my path. I really think these days that my whole life, not just my gender is in transition. Thing is, my natural go to is to worry about stuff, so I tend to grab onto those few negative things, which on reflection occur less often (other than the constant misgendering I get all day, being in public) than the positive stuff.
There are several customers at work, and people in the neighbourhood who have made a point of talking to me about my transition, and praise me for how well they see me doing. This happens far more often than getting a hate spam on my blog, or someone being hostile to me because of my obvious gender variance. And I am grateful and humbled by how these folks went out of their way to praise me, and support me.
Where I don’t get much feedback is here on my blog. a few times a year someone will posts a nice comment, or a helpful answer to a question I had posed. About as often I get these hate comments. Trolls having their yuks, I guess. I would love to generate more discussion, real discussion, somehow, even just enough to mirror all the great support I get in the real world.
I also get a tremendous amount of support on Facebook, from my friends, and family, more than I could ever have imagined, and lots of feedback, positive, and often very well thought out criticism as well. Facebook is not all kitties and ranting about the government, or Rob Ford (to time stamp this post a little) So there is tons of positive feedback out there, I’m finding that you need to train yourself not to fall into the trap of dwelling on the negative stuff.
I was so excited to see that someone had posted a comment, when I rolled out of bed this morning, and of course looked at my ipad before I did anything else. Le Sigh.
Now I’m even more behind on my writing practice but at least I was writing something. I’ll have to get to my maybe a novel after work.