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March 21st = my 2 years on HRT Anniversary.

Field Notes In/On Transition

March 21st = my 2 years on HRT Anniversary.

I had written one of those down in the depths of depression kind of blog posts, or most of one, earlier, this week. I deleted it all though, to start afresh. Because that’s what you do when you recover from an episode of real rolling around in the ashes, which was what that early part of the week was for me. All the things that were bothering me, most of which I have no control over, caught up with me. I had no hope. I was inconsolable, for a couple of days. 

But I reached out on Facebook, and had a lot of really solid support, advice and love. This is one reason I love that there is something like facebook. The branding is meaningless, it’s the place where I can reach out when I feeling too low to talk in person, or call someone, I can simply look at other peoples’ lives and gain perspective. I don’t love facebook, but I love that pretty much all the people I love, are there, and reasonably active. I can see that just like me, they have their ups downs, births, deaths, changes. We get to share in each others joys and sorrows in ways that are hard to do in person any more, with people you might never have been able to keep in touch with, before the internet and it’s hypnotizing swirl.

This and some real talk with a few friends, and family, as well as a great eyebrow tweezing from my friend Kaylah. This was the final bit of feather I needed to lift myself out of the nest of sorrow I had been engulfed in. This is one bit of ‘Lady Maintenance’ that always gives me a boost in confidence, I remembered, as soon as I looked in the mirror.

The week ended with having a few beer with some women friends of mine who like me, like their beer with exotic names and tastes. All four of us were/are going through shifts, big shifts in our lives, things changing in big ways. It was a lovely way to end the week, having grown up-ish discussions of our hopes and fears around these changes. And, of course flirting with the Lovely Scottish waiter, and the ritual eating of french fries. It gives me so much joy to finally really feel like I’m out with my girls, being one of the girls.

I wandered home a little drunk, but happy to end my week on a positive note, as inspired as I was by my friends’ plans, hopes and desires being so much stronger than their fears. I realized that all of us were making great strides forward with our lives, engaged with the now, and the tomorrow. Even me, I am doing this too, though earlier in the week, I would have denied it, feeling so low, unwanted, unheard, things that can only last so long in my life, because I have so much support that I know I can reach out for online, and in real life.

Writing my blog posts, working on my novel, taking photographs, making videos, these things, I have been doing less and less sporadically over the years. I am finally writing regularly, working on learning as I write, and read, what i want to write about and what i am writing about.

I have been updating my media blog with dvd reviews very regular for the last month. my current vague plan, to keep my hand in  while I try to find a bit more money, either through anther local P/T gig, or some online, telecommuting gigs... I have no idea. But I do know that either way I want to start doing more writing about the media I consume. I realized recently, that maybe my upswing in time spent reading, was not just about being able to sit down and write a novel, but to activate all the things I want to discuss in print (and by print I mean, online) So this vague plan is to update that blog also with my opinions, reviews on the books I read, the comics I read, and the bits of TV I still watch.

Momentum is the thing I’m looking for, and I have opinions on these things, but I always need time to mull, before I start writing my impressions, how I feel about these pieces of art.

Doing this much blog posting will help the visibility of my blog, the more you post, the more you show up in searches, etc... but also it’s regularly writing about different forms of art, and writing about myself.

I’m not the sort of writer to review a Spider-man story and not give you a bit of my relationship with that character that with Sesame Street, taught me how to read. That’s how it seems to me, at least, I’m sure the facts are different, but those are the things that made an impression, that lasted.

For me, this is very challenging, I haven’t done much in the way of writing about comics or books, I’ve always only thought to write about film. And definitely I will be doing that as regularly as anything. Of course I want to make room for This Transition blog, and actually working and paying the bills. But life is all about trying to find the life you want to live, right? I sure hope so. :)

Thank you again to all my friends, and family who have shown me such compassion and love when I stumble on this journey. I reposted on old facebook, the other day, one of those jpgs with clever sayings, that read; “If you stumble, make It part of the Dance.”

I feel like I’m moving forward even if I may have to make the odd side trip for supplies, I am still moving forward.


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