Field Notes In/On Transition
Fifth Transiversary Blog post. video blog
So here's a video blog post, text from the video is below if you don't enjoy my dulcet tones for some bizarre reason, or you are hearing impaired, or any other resason you might prefer to read the text rather than listen.
It's not exactly the video I wanted to make, but it's the one i made.
So five years in, my transition is at a bit of a crossroads. 2016 may have been a crappy year in many ways, but for me it was one of my best years recently, at least till that last week or so, where i ended up in the hospital.... The results of that illness at the end of 2016, have made 2017 a bit of a struggle so far, what i am showing you here in this video is a slideshow of some photos of me being me in 2016/early 2017, including: getting a great job at DOXA the documentary film festival, one last sold out show at the York theatre with my choir, The Femme City Choir. We are on ‘hiatus,’now, sadly.
I also did some public speaking, making announcements before and after The Trans March. i spoke at a sexual health conference, ostensibly about sex and aging, though it ended up being more about being Trans and sex, to be honest. I socialized a lot this year, made some new friends and lost a few as well, damn you facebook!
My birthday was great fun at my fave spot Stormcrow, with so many of my favourite people. On Halloween i surprised my mom back in Ontario for her birthday, and saw a lot of family, some of whom i hadn’t seen much or at all since starting transition. My mom has started calling me her daughter, ‘beautiful daughter’ that time when she was tipsy on her birthday. That alone has made my year, and makes me feel these five years of working on becoming my more authentic self, has worth any struggles I’ve had. I also made and sold a bunch of calendars and artwork during the holiday season, and self published my first short story on amazon.
Because I am on blood thinners, from the Xmas DVT, I am off my HRT for the first time in 5 years, also. It has emotionally stressful and I have had more body dysphoria in the last three months than I have since starting transition... but what i have on my side now is five years of experience. I am working through it, and may be able to go back at least partially on my HRT in the summer. time will tell. But it’s definitely a big road block to self esteem as I recover now, and move on. but, I am still me. I have a confidence I never had in the previous 45 years of pretending and mostly passing as male.
folks far and wide helped me pay my bills the first couple of months of 2017, as I get back on my feet. I am loved... i have always had a hard time believing that for some reason, but no longer, i know so may people have my back. i only hope I can be there for them in the same way. grateful doesn’t begin to cover it.
maybe I’m facing some new and unexpected hurdles five years into transition, Out in the world, everyone sees me as the person I am, HRT or not, none of these huge things that have happened over the past few months have not changed who I am, they have only reinforced who I am becoming. Transition is eternal. we are all transitioning and changing, as change is the only constant in the world.