Field Notes In/On Transition
Sex, Drugs, &. Rock n Roll
Let’s start with a bit of Field Notes before I get all distracted by the hopes and dreams, memories, and nostalgia, again.
I’ve been experimenting with my look a bit this week adding eyeliner to my daily routine. Mostly just the bottom lid, and a light bit on the top. I’m really just figuring out how to use the eyeliner. Only one or two people have mentioned anything about it at work, and those people were complimentary. Eventually I’m adding back in the nail polish I was doing a few months ago, and maybe some mascara.
I want to maintain a relatively natural look. Once I’m comfortable there I’ll be adding in some lipstick sometimes, and not much else unless I’m gussying it up to go to a show or any opening. A cute androgynous haircut (suggestions on this front are greatly appreciated) is maybe next on the daily evolution of my presentation. To get to this point though, I think I will have to get started on the laser/electrolysis for my face.
This time next week I’ll be at the doctor’s office, maybe getting my anti-androgen dosage upped a bit. I’m prepared if the doctor decides to keep a slower pace. But by most accounts I’ve read online, I’m due for an “upgrade.”
One of the effects of taking an anti-androgen, or testosterone suppressant (I’m taking a low dosage of androcur aka cyproterone acetate http://www.sexuality.org/l/transgen/hormone.html) is the loss of sex drive (also a bit of shrinkage, to be frank about it)... This so far is the most beneficial and for me, emotionally helpful effect. I had no preconceptions about how I’d feel about this aspect of transition. And like many, I was a bit fearful I would miss "it".
But I’m glad to report that much like that time on “Seinfeld” when George Constanza gave up sex, I feel like I have all this free time I never knew existed. That Male Sex Drive can be very distracting, and time consuming as most males (who are man enough to discuss it) will tell you.
For me it’s really amazing to not always be thinking about “down there”, or having “down there” constantly interrupting you and making you pay attention to it’s needs first. I still get “urges” now and then, but if my prescription is increased, those urges will decrease evermore, as my cup size, and ass/hips size increase.
One of the things that often held me back, going trans before now, has been my (to my mind) rather high male sex drive. Nothing makes you more aware of your biological manhood, than well, your “manhood”. There’s been a distinct decline for me, of being aroused all the damn time, by pretty much everything.
I can see a direct impact on my sense of time, and energy that I’ve been directing to things like keeping my apartment tidy, dishes done etc. In the mornings I’ve long had the same routine where after coffee, breakfast, I would spend the remaining couple of hours before work obsessing over whatever sexual urges were governing my morning thoughts.
Like George on “Seinfeld”, that episode, I am getting all kinds of things done that normally I’d be procrastinating about and whinging over. I’m getting a surprising amount of writing done. And, not just this blog, but work on some poetry stuff that has been so long simmering, that I’d almost forgotten about it.
Also, I’ve started to understand how misguided by that “male brain”; my various affections over the years have been. Throughout my 20’s and 30’s I was “in love” with a series of beautiful, awesome women, pretty much all of whom assumed we were in the friend zone, until I made some clumsy “move”. Those moves were forced upon me by said “male brain”, I feel, in retrospect. I’m really grateful that the majority of these gals have stayed my friend, and have been super supportive with my various attempts at coming out as Trans or whatever other mask I tried on -gay, bi, straight - all sexual labels, not gender labels, over the years.
None of these things were how I really wanted to define my life. Aside from wanting to be a woman, I have no interest in living a lifestyle apparently based solely on who I’m attracted to, I don’t need more hyphens in my life. I really just wanted to be BFFs with most of these women. But as with many male/female friendships, sometimes lines get crossed, wires too.
I confused the intimacy I was looking for, for sex; is what it comes down to. Now, this is a revelation that happened for me several years ago actually, when after having enough sexual/relationship experience with both men and women, to realize what I was actually comfortable with, desirous of from a partner. I tried being a straight guy, a gay guy, a Bi guy, none of those things really “did it for me”.
The only times I felt comfortable was when in the relationship (sexually, and as part of a partnership) I felt I was “being the girl”. This I felt especially, within the gay world in Tokyo, but just as much here, I’m not interested in someone wanting any aspect of my “maleness”.
I would get unexpectedly angry, or weird about guys calling me handsome, or praising me as a man, or wanting me (in my mind) to "be the man” in the relationship. My ideas about these stereotypical roles I hope have evolved a bit, but at the core of it, I just want to be the lady in a typical Man & Lady partnership.
That said, currently I am far from ready for such an entanglement. I have a lot of work to do before I really am ready to add sex into the mix. And being free from constantly thinking about sex, has really helped me to understand this, and obliterated one of the last vestiges of that man I was never very happy being.
It has also added in a bit of an antidote to what I see as my inherent laziness. I really don’t feel that I’ve ever had this much focus and drive that weren’t somehow related to getting off, ever in my life. This makes me feel as hopeful for my self and my sense of who I am, as I’ve ever been in my life. Yay!
Okay so not much rock n roll in this post. here's one of my video poems, with some music that I created as a soundtrack.