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Oracles, Myths, & Leggings!

Field Notes In/On Transition

Oracles, Myths, and Leggings 

Rob Brezsny’s Freewill Astrology (last week’s and this week’s cut & pasted below), is the only Oracle I use with any regularity. 

Virgo Horoscope for week of June 21, 2012

My first poetry teacher suggested that it was my job as a poet to learn the names of things in the natural world. She said I should be able to identify at least 25 species of trees, 25 flowers, 25 herbs, 25 birds, and eight clouds. I have unfortunately fallen short in living up to that very modest goal, and I've always felt guilty about it. But it's never too late to begin, right? In the coming weeks, I vow to correct for my dereliction of duty. I urge you to follow my lead, Virgo. Is there any soul work that you have been neglecting? Is there any part of your life's mission that you have skipped over? Now would be an excellent time to catch up. 

As usual with the Freewill Astrology, I feel this horoscope jibes with my thoughts, feelings this past week, or really, month or two. I have been doing all kind of editing of poetry, fiction, as well as writing my blog, and focussing most of my life on details of my transition (by this I guess I mean buying so many clothes, getting stuff given to me.) My closet is way fuller than I thought it would be after ditching almost all the Man-Drag.) I haven’t come up with a new poem, or fiction since April, really. 

It’s beginning to eat at me a bit that I’m having such a hard time focussing on wholly new inspirations for poems, stories, but seeming endless amount of desire to re-edit, refit old pieces that have been sitting seeming finished for a long time.

So it’s nice to find an affirmation that I need to work just as hard at the thing that brings me the most joy (directly to my heart, soul, whatever your interpretation of that might be) : writing a fresh new piece that speaks to me as relevant and fresh. 

Not that I haven’t done any new “non blog” writing... 

In April... I started the “story” part of my Arthurian Cycle (which in my mind is 1/3 poetry, 1/3 stories, 1/3 Arthurian inspired drawings/photographs/painting?) that I’ve had in the back of my brain percolating for years and years. Not that I want to get into to much detail about something that is so early on in the actual writing, but my writing gets a bit interfered with sometimes, by my thinking always about how my “voice” is changing. 

Not the actual physical sound of my voice, but rather the inner voice that interprets how I see things. And I definitely am seeing things a bit differently since I’ve started this transition, thus the voice I write with is going to, or is evolving, & changing. I’ve realized by actually starting the story elements, which archetypal voices speak most to me or through me, as it were, at least from the Arthurian research I’ve been doing over the years, are the seldom heard voices of Nimue, Morgeuse, The Lady of the Lake, and Guinevere, the Women.

Also I’ve been pecking away at a burned out superhero web serial idea - so screenwriting, which is a form I’ve never really been able to blend out of the fragments of fiction I write, that often when critiqued, I’m told, read kind of cinematically. Yet the format itself is stifling to me for some reason. Combining in some of my ideas for superhero comics and the idea of a Serial, like the great old Batman serials, or Buck Rogers or that sort of thing.... which the internet really is suited for. series of short films can do pretty nicely on Youtube.

These projects may come to nothing, or they may go somewhere. I guess I’m feeling that now that I’m getting really comfortable being a person “In Transition”..... I’m looking to refocus myself a bit, creatively. For me the important part is to see my writerly voice evolving, rather than simply changing, as that is physically what I’m doing with my life. It’s pretty obvious that my writing is going to evolve as well as the rest of my existence. These mutations my not end up as pretty as I’d like, but nonetheless they are underway.

Also, looking at my bookshelf... why am I not writing Science Fiction & or Fantasy, up the Ying yang? Weird when you think on it. I read a lot of genre fiction, but have never even really dabbled in it as a writer, so natural has the poetry been for me, that I never think to write the kind of thing I like to read so much.

Which leads me without much of a segue... 

To an actual Field Note (with Pictures!) about Purses, skirts, forgetfulness, distraction, and feeling pretty. 

On Saturday, feeling slim and sexy at the ungodly hour of 7:30 am I donned a few of my favourite new and old items of clothing to head out to my usual early coffee with the gang at Turk’s Cafe 

I got some pretty decent reactions to my legs in those leopard tights and short skirt, which is what I was going for. So comfortable was I, that I decided after coffee, and a brief healthy breakfast at home, to head out to “my Value Village” down at Hastings and Victoria, for some Lady shopping... specifically, a rain coat of some kind, as I haven’t had any kind of raincoat, really since my old London Fog got so thrashed while I was in Tokyo. (just completely worn out from 15 years of use and abuse)
I was in a trance of looking - often while shopping, like writing, I lose time and just float with the moment. It’s a very Zen. At dresses, pants, skirts, tops, shoes; and finally managed to find a nice raincoat

 As well as a couple of 3 dollar tees that are oh so cute, and another “lady coat” that I find adorable. (BTW I love that I can find things adorable without feeling weird about myself; ahh testosterone, I miss you Not!) But as I’m sure most people realize, losing time can cause you to be late, or forget things you were supposed to do. 
After getting home from my very restrained shopping trip (spent way less than I had budgeted for) I tried some mixing and matching of the new items with some older stuff, when I noticed I had some text messages, phone messages. I had totally forgotten while in my shopping induced hypnosis, that I was supposed to help open the store on my day off, for the gal filling in for someone who’s away. 

All I had to do was show up and open the doors etc for her, get her started. Totally forgot. D’oh! So I tossed on the nearest jeans and T-shirt. Luckily she called another co-worker who lives nearby, and he opened the door for her. I stayed to help her get caught up on the heavy Saturday returns, and so on. I haven’t been so angry at myself (as opposed to self loathing, which I still recall on occasion) in a long time. If you know me, you know that I’m rarely, if ever late for an appointment, work, or whatever. In fact I’m often ludicrously early for things. Le Sigh. That won’t happen again now, though. I’m a learner from mistakes, I am.

Sunday I continued my recent “skirt weekends” theme and wore my poofy denim skirt and some opaque navy tights. (pic) for coffee in the morning, though wasn’t feeling up for the skirt going to the grocery store, so changed into some capris (it was a bit mild out) and did the milk and bread buy up at my local Super Valu. 

Also, I had one of my Tabletop RPG games (Talislanta) where I play a Danuvian Virago - basically a heavily scarred and battle hardened Amazon. My friend Kelly, one of the hosts has a small addiction to purses, and was looking to cull, so passed on to me a few bags she isn’t using anymore.

I have no need to purchase any more bags for awhile, now, which is super awesome. Also from another Kelly Friend, I got the offer of some make-up, going unused, and some tips, lessons on applying the stuff. I do feel more confident everyday with the eyeliner. I’m eager to go further with the accentuating the positive, and trying to look and feel as pretty as I see myself in my dreams, and in my heart.

Monday, I was back at work and wearing one of my cute tees from the weekend a fitted black T with a Halloween-y font and spiderwebs, that reads “What happens in the dark stays in the dark”, with my pedal pushers, and capri jeans. 
At work the positive reinforcement of the smoothness of my transition so far has been really awesome, more and more people calling me Josie, as well as people asking me “Are you in Transition?”. 

It’s awesome to have so many strangers and acquaintances in the know about what I’m doing, without me having to “come out” all the time. this slow build up of getting “femme-ier" all the time, seems to be less jarring for people other than me, as well. I know I’ve finally taken a fork in the road that is going somewhere. I am becoming the person I am in my dreams, and in my heart, and have more support than I ever could have imagined. 

For me this is such a positive way to see the future. Not by looking forward, but rather, by looking inside yourself, and looking to others’ reaction to the surface you present them with. What this does for me is help build spiritual and/or whatever other kinds of confidence a person might have. If you asked me this time last year, if I had confidence in myself, or anything I was doing, I may have lied and said yes, but I didn’t, hadn’t for a long long time, if ever. I do feel that I’m a good writer, or a decent poet at the very least, But any ambition I’ve ever had (all of them “artistic”) has ever been mooted and perhaps muted as well, by “The Gender Thing.” 

While I am not a terribly spiritual person, in the sense that I have no dogma per se, nothing I’ve studied, that I feel comfortable with as a template for how to behave, at least. I believe that any belief in whatever spiritual things you personally vibe with, something, that helps you cope with the real actual world, that often is at odds with our various belief systems: is a good thing. Coping is awesome. All belief systems I’ve looked into though basically come down to “be nice to each other, don’t harm others. All good advice. It’s all the inflammatory stuff that people churn out based on these simple ideas that drives me screaming from pretty much any organized religion. For me it’s completely an individual thing, and the groupthink only works if it’s from a place of love. Hate does no one any good. 

Like a lot of people, I have grappled with various religious, spiritual beliefs through my twenties and thirties. The 90’s in Vancouver was a very good place to be if you want to see first hand how people ingest and mutate Eastern philosophy, things like Buddhism, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, and more esoteric things. 

For me though, it was always about finding stories that as a “trans person” I could relate to, or find some historical basis for my feelings and desires. If there are traditions, histories of transgenderism to be found, then maybe I’m not as crazy to feel this way (Trans), as I think people will find me, was my over-riding reason for the mounds of pre internet research I did on the subject. 

I never found some kind of magic answer as to why some of us feel transgendered. (not wrongly gendered, born in the wrong body, but simply transgendered. or more to the point transcendent of at least the stereotypes of our western Binary Gender system. 

Obviously there isn't one answer for something so complex and individual, but that's what you do when you are young: search the past for the present, which has been playing with it's hair and making passes at you for ages, but you were too deep in your "finding yourself phase" to notice. 

I’ve forgotten more about Alchemy than most people ever bother to look up. (and why should they?) I studied a lot of alchemical symbolism, hermetical philosophy back in the days before the internet (at U of M library in the 80’s, and Vancouver Downtown at Robson and Burrard: The Old Downtown Vancouver Library) and various cultures’ approaches to the idea of gender, that were either adapted into the culture, (India’s Hijiras, NA Aboriginal cultures’ Berdache ( or Two Spirit), as well as any other examples of historical gender/weird ideas, or myths.) 

Tiresias has been one of my central mythopoetic touchstones since I was a kid and read the Oedipus story; coincidentally had a similar experience attributed often, to Tiresias, of having seen two snakes mating. I however was far too frightened to hit them with a stick. Also I never saw Athena naked as far as I know. This is the other story of how Tiresias was a woman for a while, also blind, as having seen the world from both viewpoints, he didn't need to "see" anything other than prophecy again. Even in ancient Greek times, The Trans person was put through the ringers by the gatekeepers. Oy vey!

I bring this aspect of my history up, as I’ve neglected it, I think in the last decade or so, of easy access to all these kinds of stories, that the internet has made so easy to find. I do miss cruising the stacks, hiding my trans books under histories of famous people. Which reminds me, I haven’t read a biography in ages. Hmmm. Tastes do change.  I need to head back to the library stacks, and do some old fashioned research on things I may have researched in the past, and whatever new interpretations of old myths are prevalent today.  

I’m going to spend the summer I think, re-immersing myself in Campbell, Jung, Graves, Foucault, Malory, and some of the old stories, and myths that I have spent so much of my early adulthood reading and using as inspiration for how I wrote, drew, and expressed my thoughts, and myself. I'm feeling so frigging human right now, for the first time in about a decade, that my interest in more spiritual matters seems to be blossoming again.

Oh and I’ll end with this week’s Freewill Astrology that is just as relevant to me as last week. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions. A well done horoscope actually does apply individually to people’s lives, if only they have the capacity for self analysis. 

For me it’s all archetypes, mytho-types, and the world of the unconscious world of metaphor and storytelling, weaving narratives with some sense of substance.

This week's horoscope is not much of a stretch for any Virgo I know's imagination.

Virgo Horoscope for week of June 28, 2012

A plain old ordinary leap of faith might not be ambitious enough for you in the coming months, Virgo. I suspect your potential is more robust than that, more primed for audacity. How would you feel about attempting a quantum leap of faith? Here's what I mean by that: a soaring pirouette that sends you flying over the nagging obstacle and up onto higher ground, where the views are breathtakingly vast instead of gruntingly half-vast. 


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lonelier than never                  within  my neck     my throat       choke words             hard             suicidally so.
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In every mirror          I see hopeless                soft fat breath.   
And wetness.
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