Field Notes In/On Transition
I’m having a really hard time coming up with blog posts in the last few months. It seems the every day of being Trans has become just that, an everyday thing, barely worth mentioning, except that of course that’s not really the case. I haven’t done one of my big “Josie Fashion” shoots in a long time. Though, I plan to do a big one for my 50th post, whenever I get to that milestone, which should be soon, as this is number 48!
In fact, I keep deleting whole passages and starting over. But last night when I was chatting with my great friend Leanne I had a bit of an epiphany, or at least was able to put my gut feeling that I’ve been trying to write about for a week, into words, finally. I’ve come to understand in the last few weeks of having a much better time dealing with work, and keeping a professional attitude and so on. I realized that I have always while standing on the fringe of whatever work or friend or whatever group, I have always taken on everyone’s stuff along with my own all day, every day. You need some armour. My armour pre transition, Joe’s +4 Plate Mail, as it were, was letting all those other people’s stuff be my stuff. I didn’t have to deal with my thing if I was busty being annoyed & or helpful with someone’s else’s thing. I’ve lived with a few couples, physically challenged-heavily institutionalized folk.
Now I really feel every day that I’m slowing becoming the person I always wanted to, (but never thought I really could) be. I’m brave. I feel like erasing that as I write it, after I wrote it. It’s hard for some of us to be proud of being brave. It’s hard to be gracious when people tell you that they feel you are brave. I finally feel comfortable in my skin, and like the way I sculpt my poetry from those initial bursts of word, into whatever that piece becomes, I am sculpting my body and my psyche via hormone replacement therapy. It’s hard not to go too fast, do too much too soon. Luckily, there’s only so much time in a day.
One of the things I’ve mentioned here before is that I feel like I learn things very much in that kind of sculptor metaphor, I take in information, I discuss it at length with others and or myself. Eventually I have knowledge. (I can not, will not take notes!) I feel this is relevant to how I’m able to finally be brave enough to be almost a year into transition, and to be as content and at peace (though still as neurotic as fuck :p ) as I have ever been in my life; much more so really.
Today I celebrated my latest bit of self actualization by getting the Bob and Bangs kind of hairstyle I have been dying to have for maybe 30 years. I went to a salon, and got a much more cliched lady day at the salon, back in August, I got a really nice colouring of the hair, and a great sense of inclusion. The actual haircut was almost “a lady cut” in my eyes. This time, I went to the “Chop Shop” a local chain that promotes itself as “Rock N’ Roll”. Which I’ve always found quaint. They were backed up and my appointment was a gratingly half hour late, but my stylist Bibi was contrite, and fun to chat with, I had a great conversation, she didn’t cut it too short, and really understood hair, I think. Her questions re: transition were polite and without any awkwardness. While I was getting my cut, the next chair over sat my friend Vanessa (whose blog can be found here: La Dolce Vanessa) I got to chat with her a bit as she got a bit more of an intense style and colour than me.
I had thought I was going to colour my hair at home afterwards, and I still might, but right now, I’m liking the grey coming back in so dominantly over my last August roan-ishing. Its like inexpensive streaking/hi-lights. I totally love this haircut. I look better than I ever thought I could look, already, less than a year transitioning, and as far as I’m concerned “I pass”.
I feel completely at home and at peace being a working class woman on Commercial Drive, ranting over coffee on the weekends, tucking in early on weeknights. Sometimes I even call myself a woman, rather than a (trans) woman. I don’t feel rushed to make sure I’m a certain amount of “girly” to go out in the world. I don’t feel rushed anymore, in regard to subduing the olde facial hair. Thank you Vichy Derma blend. I will eventually get on some kind of laser/electrolysis regimen, I think. Beyond that, I’m really happy in the skin I’m currently living in.