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The slow daze of February

Field Notes In/On Transition.

The slow daze of February 

continues to chill my brain and body. I feel like my life is moving in slow motion as the days whiz by me. I did go to ICBC and apply for my new BCID. Apparently you have to wait up to 45 days now. I got my last one in like a week. But I guess they are trying to work out the kinks of combining the BC pic IDs (DL & BCID for us non drivers) with our “Care Cards” or medical IDs. I think it’s a good idea, but have absolutely no trust that the so called “Liberal” 

(As I’ve said dozens of times on here already: the worst use of a word in the English language is the BC “Liberals” calling themselves Liberal. they haven’t in fact looked up that word. The only thing these jerks are “liberal” with is giving tax breaks to Natural resource corps, and other fatcat buddies of theirs. They loathe the gen pop of BC. They loathe you, and don’t want you to vote. Like all conservative parties, the less of us disenfranchised folk who vote the better for them. They want me  and you to give up.)

There is word in the trans community about this new ID system; that it may not be as easy as it used to be (like yesterday) to get the gender marker changed on your pic ID to match how you are living. I gave a letter from my doctor to the super nice gal at the ICBC , and she cheerfully told me it was no problem to get that changed. We’ll see. I pretty much always expect the worst from bureaucracies though and wouldn’t be shocked if that card came back to me with an M, despite the female name and appearance on the card (and in real life 24/7). What it must be like to have any kind of faith in the people governing, that maybe they will be fair minded progressive? I have no idea. BC is a political wasteland. 

All that said, otherwise I feel really good about things. I’m always worried about money, and somehow am a month behind on my phone I only use to take pictures with. I am struggling in as positive a way as I can with my bad habits, eating, drinking and sloth. These are very much interconnected, as it’s so easy and fun to combine them, sitting in front of the TV or the computer all evening, snacking and doing little else.

I even threw away part of a bag of chips, left at my place after playing one of my tabletop RPGs. This for me is a huge victory. It may be wasting of food, but junk food, that I had been gorging myself on instead of eating the delicious vegetarian chilli that I made for the game. It’s a tiny step for most folks, but for me, it was almost a breakthrough. Now if I could only get off my fat ass and exercise a bit, maybe I could start losing a bit of the flab I’ve reinforced this winter, by my diet of bread and stuff that is deliciously fattening on bread. 

According to my 12 dollar scale, I haven’t actually gained or lost much weight over the winter, and I have yet to have more than a sniffle all winter, (knock wood) so maybe I’m doing something right. I feel healthy, and get a pretty decent sleep except every few weeks when I get a bit of worry wart insomnia. Usually a couple of nights of midnight hand wringing over stupid stuff that isn’t even a problem, really. Worry wart, I am. 

On the dealing with the public front of my life, (the biggest front in my particular war) I feel I made some great progress in dealing with being misgendered, and/or ignorance. I had the first customer of the day, a few days ago, call me “Sir” about 20 times in a two minute transaction. But, he was a nervous fellow, it seemed to me in general, didn’t feel like correcting him, and saved my annoyance for venting on facebook. What I may not have updated on that one, was that that guy returned the movie the next day; and maybe because he liked it so much, and told me about it, he was more laid-back, and never said “Sir” ’til he was leaving, and I corrected him, pointing out my made up face and leopard print dress. You could see the cogs turning as he hustled out.

Later that day, I had another (also documented on facebook) weird transphobic comment, when the last customer I served of the day, (whose little girl and I had had a super polite, intelligent conversation about our lack of all Scooby Doo cartoons) asked me as I was ringing him up “Did you lose a bet, or you like to dress...?”  I had been feeling really good about how I looked all day, and had gotten quite a few compliments as well, so I was shocked, rather than angry, I said nothing, rather shot him a withering “Seriously?” glare as I gave him his movies, exchanged money, and due times in a polite smiling professional tone. He seemed suitably chastened.

I still needed a beer after that, but just one, and a bit of time to kvetch on facebook. Which seriously, is often a real lifeline, and as important as any part of my transition. I’m documenting things here, perhaps with a bit more thought and I get to revise my thoughts as I write. But for the immediate moments that happen, and the amount of awesome support I can get pretty much instantly, from all over the world happen mostly on facebook, from my friends. My privacy level on old FB is set pretty high, almost everything is hidden to strangers, and I have very few “ FB friends” who aren’t people I know in the Analog world that I’ve lived in for closer to 50 years than 40.

But back to that last encounter: I really feel I handled that right, and as professionally as I could. I think he got that what he said was not a question to ask a trans person. I felt good about both of those encounters, (not that I don’t still get “sirred” daily, but mostly it doesn’t bug me at all, water off a duck’s back and all that) and that I handled myself professionally, and was steadfast in not letting it get to me. Facebook, I kinda love you, at least for being able to give me a place that I can vent those tiny moments that you can end up hanging on to, far too hard, and long.

So where am I at in this Transition? This is the question I’ve been kind of asking myself recently. What’s my next step? Well, I’m waiting on my pic ID in the mail; hoping to get an F on my BCID, the gal at the ICBC office seemed to think there wasn’t an issue, as I’m going to opt for the non pic id care card (sometime this week, maybe as Feb 15th and after is/was when you can do that.) from ICBC, and worry about any issues amalgamating the two, or whetehr I have to, when my current BCID (that since I wasn’t quite six months from renewal, I have to get another BCID by September, anyway... ICBC nickel and diming me, maybe because I am a non driver? :p) More cash out than in, is how I live these days. This is the expensive time of year, for those like me on the so called Fair Pharma Care. The impenetrable deductable starts up and runs hard at eating up like 10-20% of my take home pay for the next several months.

But, whatever. You must strive to get past the muddle that money and bureaucracy make and live your life somehow. I have areas, where I can cut spending, as a single non dependanted person, I have wiggle room, even with my meagre income ($3 less an hour than the supposed minimum needed to live decently single in Vancouver) I have to get past the money I owe, that keeps me up at night, until I realize that my savings cover me at least briefly if there were some real financial disaster to be fall me.

I feel very much like I don’t care if my doctors want to take my HRT slowly, or see that I can take more or less of whatever pill. I’m very comfortable right now, as I am, as I’m living. There are more things that need to change in my life for me to achieve all my goals as the finally functioning adult that I’m starting to realize I might be able to be, someday.

Whether or not Joe was a typical Peter Pan, or not, growing up to be a man, was never part of the plan, it only happened accidentally, and is very much part of every part of who I am now. I believe strongly in the idea of our own personal evolution as humans is all that matters, whatever creed you might follow, most likely they all agree that becoming a better person, striving to treat yourself and others with love and friendship as much as is possible is really what those faiths are all about. Love thyself, but not so much more than your neighbour, that you lack empathy for their struggle.
At a point in my life where I have no spiritual, esoteric, or religious interests really, other than in an academic, interesting from a writer’s point of view kind of way, I am more spiritually grounded and open minded, non judgmental of others’ various inclinations in these areas. I’m a dabbler, spiritually, and I really grok, that that is my place in the esoteric, someone who knows a little, but understands a lot. I grok stuff, that I have no interest in, I can and will talk about it as deeply, or not so deeply as others insist on, as well, but personally, I don’t need a specific cult to belong to... and feel completely at peace with that. 

I leave with a few pictures  of the early spring we are getting in spits and spurts here in Vancouver. It says a lot about where I am. 

Also, a quote from this week’s Freewill Astrology.


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